There was a girl...

   I think I've come to the point in my life where I can speak freely about certain things. Hell, I've written two books on the crazy stuff I've been involved in so what's one more blog on the subject, right? Well....this is gonna be a little bit different.

   You see, I've posted blogs and made youtube videos about my books and the reasons behind me making them, but I never REALLY got down to the nitty gritty about it all. The shameful stuff. The scary stuff. The stuff I never wanted anyone to know...until now. I've always said it was my goal to reach as many people as possible. That I wanted to help as many people as possible that had experienced things like I have. I know I can't really do that if I'm not completely honest about the whole thing...about what I really went through. So here it is...

   In my book, "Giving up the Ghost", I did say how hard it was being a sensitive during my childhood and young adult years. I even let on how difficult it is as a living breathing grown ass woman. But I didn't really say why. You see, there is one thing a lot of people don't know about this particular path. Of course you have all the emotions and everything that spirits make you feel simply so you can interact with them but you also have, pushed somewhere deep inside, your own emotions. These are more frightening than anything a ghost or spirit can make you feel. By far. I spent the majority of my childhood being afraid of my own shadow. I was so afraid of people finding out about what I could do that I became a victim. I allowed myself to be bullied. ALOT. I was the girl that would do whatever a friend asked me to do simply so they would like me. This included shoplifting once, stealing street signs, running from the cops and drinking. LOTS of drinking. I started smoking cigarettes when I was twelve and drinking shortly after. My friend and I would steal her moms car in the middle of the night and go "cruising"...at thirteen and fourteen. I was constantly looking for ways to kill myself. I even came close a couple of times. These are things that nobody else really knows because how in the hell could I tell them? If I told them I would have to tell them why and I refused to do that. Each time I had tried it ended badly. I never really got into the drug thing, with the exception of pot in my younger days, because alcohol suited me just fine and numbed me well enough. It calmed the voices in my head for a short time. Longer if I passed out from it. I was fourteen when I drank 2 fifths of cherry vodka and passed out in my friends bathtub. Luckily for me, no one turned the water on or else I would have drowned. Fourteen.

   I was terrified of everything. Of people, especially large crowds, because I couldn't handle all of the swirling emotions coming off them like radiation. You see, that's what it feels like for an empath. Well...at least for me that's what it feels like. Radiation. All of the emotions seep into you and you can't decipher them from your own. This causes an extreme amount of distress because at a young age you can't even deal with your own feelings much less everybody else. So you hide. You continue to do this as you get a little bit older and that turns you into the "freak" I speak about in my book. Because you don't know or understand how to block it all out you become a recluse, an outcast. I'm here to tell you that is NOT a popular thing to be in middle school or high school.

   The other problem with this, especially for girls, is that you take on this "other wordly" quality. I can't explain it, but I'm sure you know the look. You know, the look you get when someone isn't necessarily checking you out but more trying to figure you out. For those who are "different" and have experienced this phenomenon...here's the explanation. It's in our aura. I'm sure you've heard it before..."there's just something different about you..." Parents of those who are different, you've heard the same things about your own children that you may have heard applied to yourself before. You would think this wouldn't be a big deal but, to some people, different is BAD. The quiet, inquisitive, looks can turn to sneers and mockery in the blink of an eye.

   This hurts a lot when it happens and we retreat even more. I can't tell you how many times I thought I would be so much better off if I could either end it all, or lock myself away to go crazy. As I got older these thoughts helped to put me in bad situations where I could be violated and hurt. Not having the tools to know how to defend myself physically and vocally set the path for me to let my rapist go free without so much as a call to the cops. I had such low self esteem that I didn't think anyone would believe me over him. Years later, when I saw him in a restaurant I was going into, all I could do was stand there and shake. Again...I didn't have the courage.

   My whole point in telling all of you all of this is very simple. I would bet money that each of you reading this have either felt these feelings yourself, or know someone who fits the description of the outcast...the loner. For those of you who made it through...BRAVO!!!!! It is an extremely hard time and one that you should be very proud of for making it through. For those who know exactly the kind of person I'm describing...how do you feel about the way you may have treated them? Do you regret it? Would you do things differently if you had the chance? For those whom we all know who never got the chance to realize their potential, their contribution to the world, I know how you felt. I felt the same way. I am eternally grateful to whatever it was that helped me through. That made me understand that this is my calling. That I really do have a purpose in life other than being someones verbal punching bag. You don't have to be an empath, sensitive, psychic, clairvoyant or anything else to understand that we are all here for a reason. My reason may not be yours...and that's okay. I no longer wish to be normal. I know exactly who I am and I am proud of it. I no longer hide what I can do. I don't have to. My biggest, sincerest, wish is that all of the special people in the next generation don't have to go through what myself, and others, had to. I hope you remember all this the next time you see someone talking to themselves, or averting their eyes, or simply moving away from you because they can't take the energy coming off of you. Remember...they may not be weird, or a freak or rude. They may simply be protecting themselves. Just food for thought...

Blessed Be )O(